Being A Presence Within the Church

I was talking to my sister-in-law earlier today about the Church. She commented that she thinks that I should stay in the Church and help educate the members about homosexuality, showing them that even people that they know and love all around them are gay. If the general Church membership could see gay people live and in person, then maybe the attitudes would change. She asked me if I was out to my ward. I said no. She asked why I wasn't, and I said that my bishop told me not to talk about it with anyone, and that the Honor Code Office had said the same thing. I am to be silent, to maintain the reputation and integrity of the Church. She was stunned and thought that that was ridiculous. And I think that it is too.

I've always been quite open about my homosexuality. I've been out for more than two years now. Most of my friends know. And apparently a lot of people that I don't know also know. And I've also been pretty open about my suspension. I told close friends about every step of the way from the first call from the Honor Code Office (or Office of Student Life- beware of the euphemism!) to my rejection letter from my appeal. And after that, I told others that I was suspended. I never got a negative response from anyone, but rather, "Stupid BYU!" Or, "Nazis!" Through my openness, I hope that I have opened people's eyes.

About two years ago, I came out to one of my roommates. He was quite stunned. He had never met a gay person before. He had never imagined that one of his best friends was gay. Through our many talks together, I believe that I shattered many of the stereotypes that he had of gay people. This has happened with many of my friends. I want them to be aware of who we are and what we go through. I tell many of my friends that when they are bishops, they need to understand those who come to them who are gay. They can show more compassion to them now that we aren't mysterious people, but rather their friends.

And about a year and a half ago, a dear friend of mine committed suicide. I had a dream about him a couple of nights ago. I remembered how he struggled to fit into the fabric of the Church. He couldn't figure out how he fit into the Plan of Salvation, nor within the social network of the Church. He had spoken with his Church leaders, but never felt like he received very good answers to doubts and concerns.

Proposition 8 made BYU a hellish place to be for gay students. And my suspension proceedings that semester didn't help any. It seemed like Prop 8 gave many students a free pass to use the words fag and queer in a most demeaning and derogatory way. People within a Church that was teaching love and acceptance (and I believe that most of the top leaders practice it as well) were demonstrating intolerance and disdain. All of the pressures from Prop 8 and my suspension made me clam up and seclude myself from open homosexuality. It became dangerous for me to talk openly about it, so I stopped.

And now I will face another year at BYU this coming Fall, one that I didn't expect to have. I know that rumors about me are flying on that campus. Maybe I'll cause a stir, maybe I won't. But for my remaining time there, I want to be a presence. I want to show people at BYU that we are all around them. That we are their friends, and not some strange, far off drag queens that parade around San Francisco. And I hope that one day, the Church won't have to try to hide us or ignore us.

In the end of the conversation with my sister-in-law, I basically told her that while I respect and still believe in the Church (to a point), it seems almost impossible for me to stay in the Church and be sane. Going to Church makes me nauseous- this past Sacrament Meeting topic was Celestial Marriage- and I don't fit into the society. But for my remaining time at BYU and in the Church, I want to be a good presence. To continue to educate those around me. And if or when I'm away from the Church, I want people to see that I am a good person, also worthy of God's blessings.